Keep it to yourself

So I'm just going to pretend it hasn't been months and months since I've posted, and I'm also going to hope that my prolonged hiatus might make this a slightly more private forum for my ranting.

I feel a little stuck. And extremely alone. Life is hard right now. Really hard. Even as I type that, I think to myself, "Oh, Renae. Quit being so dramatic. No one is threatening the safety of your children. You have a roof, food, and lots of stuff that most people in this world wouldn't even recognize much less think about wanting." But what I'm doing is hard. And it's about to get even harder and I'm having a really tough time figuring out how to do it. There is a certain string of words that have become my own private hell through this. They are: "Why don't you put them in public school for a year?"

It's like a knife through the heart. And usually these words are spoken by people who love me, who are well meaning, yada, yada, yada.

I'm not sure how to explain it all without feeling like I'm whining and ungrateful. And I really want to believe that those who read this who might have their two cents to add will just shove it back into their pockets.

George is leaving. For a long time. Right now he's only been gone a few days, but already the kids are showing signs of stress. Joey woke up and came into my room last night crying that he misses Daddy. Mary came into my room a few minutes ago and told me she wished that Daddy didn't have to go away to work. It absolutely breaks my heart and I really don't know what to say to them other than, "I miss him, too."

How do I wear this many hats? My sanity saver right now is my workout routine. That's even more obvious to me on days like today when I was unable to go to the gym due to a feverish child. It's time consuming, and there are a million things I could get done in the 16 hours a week it takes me to drive to and from the gym and workout. But I feel SO much better. I feel strong. Hopeful. Confident. For years now I have stared into the mirror in disbelief wondering "who is that fat girl looking at?" It has been unreal to me that the body I see in the mirror or squeeze into a pair of pants actually belongs to me. Until recently, I never truly believed I could be something else. Now that I know that to be false, I am completely driven and motivated to see it through. I can't wait to look in the mirror and smile at the woman staring back. Makes me want to cry, actually.

So, that's hat number one. Sixteen hours a week at the gym. Plus the extra time spent on healthy eating. But I'm going to do it. I'm setting an example to my children at how important it is to be active and make good eating choices. There is no turning back.

Number two...I am the sole teacher for Mary and Joey. We squeeze our lessons into a time slot that I'm well aware is unreasonable, but it's also dependant on the absence of blessings 3 and 4. This works for Joey, who catches on quick and stays motivated to finish a task, but my Mary is really struggling. Now I'm really crying. And it feels good. This is that quiet space in the evening when it's ok to do so. Mary enjoys her work, but she lives her life at a different pace than I do and she follows every mental rabbit trail conceivable. Will a change in medication help her? Maybe. Maybe not. It's a gamble each time. And what's worse is how stinkin' hard it is to find expert care for children with ADHD. I called Tricare today and was given the name of two child psychs in Austin, neither of whom is accepting new patients. I'm going to try to get her into Timothy's neuro, but that could take months as well. I was really encouraged when we found Dr. Kocen last fall, but what do you expect when you find a doctor who is old enough to have treated your half brother who's 15 years younger than you? I was devastated when we got the call that he had passed away. I feel like I could be a better mother and teacher to her if it were just the two of us. Then comes the flood of mommy guilt and the voice inside that reminds me that God made our family the way He did on purpose. With a plan. So I just keep wishing I just knew how to make it a little easier for her. And I wish I didn't feel so scared to admit to anyone that it's such a struggle to get her lessons done. Because I don't want to feel judged. I don't want someone to tell me that the SCHOOL could do a better job than me. Not because I doubt the qualifications of schoolteachers, but because I am certain she belongs at home.

So, let me follow that line of thought for a moment...WHY is it so difficult for "the others" to understand a passion for home education? Why does it seem like the answer to all of life's problems? Just put them in school. Why do I feel as though I need a constant defense for my position, a justification for my decision to swim upstream? It feels impossible, because it's difficult to articulate my position without putting the other party on the defensive. And I'm not really looking for an argument. I'm not interested in persuading you into my point of view. Nor do I wish for your choices to be presented to me as the sane, reasonable, normal way to do things.

Ok, I don't really want to dwell on that. Let's talk about Timothy. I think he's really doing a lot better. I desperately wish he was back at OT. I'm working on the financial fallout from 2008 to determine if it'll ever be a possibility. I'm not for a minute advocating nationalized healthcare, but by golly, when children need therapy services it's terrible that money has to be the issue. It breaks my heart. Not that getting him TO therapy would be any less of a challenge. It feels like our schedule is consumed by mornings at the gym and afternoons at the school table. Sigh.

The biggest monkey wrench in our homeschool journey right now, I would have to say is my sweet Emily. She's TWO and every bit of it. She can't be left alone for a minute. She puts cups in the potty, writes on walls, grabs snacks from the pantry, unrolls the toilet paper. The only person I can really trust to keep her out of trouble, and that's questionable, is Mary. And SHE'S the one who needs to be spending more time with Mommy doing lessons.

I'm not even mentioning the housework. Or the family business. Someone has to pay the bills and wait on hold with the insurance companies. Or my little ministry commitment.

So this is the hard part. I don't really feel like I can tell anyone how hard this all is. Including my own mother. Hope you're not reading this time, Mom. What I'd really like to hear from someone IF I were to be real with them is, "Wow. What could I do to make it just the tiniest bit easier?" or "I'm right there with ya. Let's have a cup of coffee." I don't want someone to tell me what to take off my plate, beginning with the thing that is THE MOST IMPORTANT to me. I don't want someone to immediately point out to me how destined I am for failure. Because really failure isn't an option. I don't have a say in this. He will leave. And it will be my responsibility. But because WE chose to have four children and WE choose to home educate then it becomes MY responsibility to figure out logistically how to make it all happen.

I'm not even talking about the most painful part. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to lie in bed alone at night. I don't want to have something funny to tell him and realize that I can't just pick up the phone and tell him and it just won't be funny later. I can remember last time feeling like it had been an eternity since I'd been kissed. There'll be no date nights. No late nights. Nothing. Just panicked phone calls - the anxiety over the potential of missing those calls is excrutiating. I'll end up with my cell phone chained to my neck with the ringer as loud as possible to prevent the inevitable missed phone call. And I'll be screaming at the kids to just SHUT UP so Mommy can hear Daddy on the phone for however much time we'll have. And I'll have to try not to cry in front of them every time I feel like it. And I'll be given the instructions, "Don't dump on your spouse while they're in a war zone. You don't want to distract them and put them in danger." Oh, the irony.

I'll wonder who I can trust. Who I can depend on. Who will betray me. Who will walk away. I'll cringe anytime I'm offered those trite empty words of encouragement that people offer when they're really not sure what else to say. And my other favorite stupid thing people say," I don't know how you do it, because I sure couldn't." I really don't have a choice. Don't you get that?!?

It really is easier to walk away from a pool of neediness. Everyone else has their own problems. Own families. Own needs. I get it. So it'll be time to lock it away. Keep it to myself. And try to just keep smiling.