I want to run!!

I'm having a rough evening. I'm in the process of resting, icing, and elevating this dumb knee that hurts whenever I try to push myself to run. About 10 days ago I told Irene how really badly I wanted to run. She felt like we could try it again since it had been a few weeks since I'd previously tried and it's possible I could do so again without my knee bothering me. She put me on the treadmill for five minutes which sounded like an eternity to me, but I made it through. She stood right next to me the entire time coaching me through my form and my breathing. I stared at a pickup truck in the parking lot and just willed myself to do it. And I did. It felt fantastic. Running is my holy grail. It is the thing that shows me that I'm in this for good. I left the gym high as a kite on my way to Port Aransas for the weekend with Kayce. She and I jogged/walked four miles on the beach the next day, and I noticed that running in the sand made my knee noticeable, so I backed off. Last week I pushed myself to ten minutes at a time and was really excited that I wasn't having any knee pain.

Mother's Day I pushed even harder. Irene mentioned running 2 miles together so I knew that I was going to have to really up my game to get there. I ran a mile and a half in 20 minutes and it felt awesome. Afterward I was again AWARE of my knee but not sure if it qualified as pain...I didn't want to admit that I could be having a problem, because I just really want it to go away. Yesterday I did the same thing. 20 minutes. A mile and a half. I knew that my knee was sore, but I didn't care because I just wanted it so bad. Afterward I had to admit that I was favoring the knee and uncomfortable and it was time to mention it to someone.

I was advised to rest, use ice, take some ibuprofen, and talk to my trainer about it this morning. She was wonderful and supportive and positive and all the things that she is supposed to be, but I'm just MAD. She told me not to run, do the stairmaster, or do my BodyJam class for seven days. Back off. Be patient. Give it time.

Why am I so ridiculously upset about this? I'm full on crying just writing about it. I don't want anything to slow me down. I don't want excuses. I don't want setbacks. I want to push myself. I don't want to think that I'm still just too fat to run. Or even worse, that I might not be able to run ever because of ARTHRITIS that I have at 33 years old because of the horrible choices I've made for myself my entire life. I want desperately to believe that I can fix things. That I can work hard enough to reverse the damage I've done to my body. As I write this, and think through it, I realize that part of my problem is that I am focusing on what I can do instead of what God can do. Instead of pouting and crying and feeling sorry for myself, I need to get down on my knees and ask my Father to heal and restore this knee. I need to pray for patience and acceptance.

It's really hard when you're trying to do something like this NOT to become self-absorbed and self-reliant. Honestly, no one else can dictate what or how I eat. No one else can make me go to the gym, or make me give it my all once I'm there. I'm having a really hard time keeping my spiritual focus, I guess, and turning to the Lord for strength and healing. Really I want to do it all myself. Therein lies my greatest problem.

There is something really powerful about running. I like to get on the treadmills with the TV screens, but I don't turn them on. I can see my reflection in the screen and I watch myself run. I visualize where I am running from and where I am running to and I cheer myself on in my own little world where I am the only one. I tell myself that there is no way in HELL that I am stopping. The next six days are going to be really hard. I'm not sure how I will cope with being at the gym and being unable to stare myself down. I will have to relent and leave it in God's hands. Oh, how I hate to give up that control. This is the one thing in the swirly crazy life I'm living that I feel like I can control. Clearly I cannot.